April 2011
I Am Now Weeding Out My Friends
Depending on their reaction to the gum story. Those who are in horror and freak out are dumped, those who see the mad genius in it are in.
March 2011
Barbie the Psycho Killer
Photographer Mariel Clayton (click her name to see more amazing images) takes Barbie to a whole new level by creating photographs depicting the childhood doll committing outlandish mass murder, cutting off each others’ pretend genitalia and maintaining that pearly all American smile surrounded by a sea of toy products and “blood.” (via Animal New York)
Play
If one more old lady in my building tells me I look like Sheryl Crow I'm going to smack her.
I would give anything to bang out Bethenny Frankel's husband.
Fact.
I would give anything to hang out with Bethenny Frankel.
Fact.
In The Last 72 Hours I've Had The Following Beauty Treatments
- haircut
- manicure
- pedicure
- facial
- massage
I am such a pampered little brat.
It's Official: I Am Completely Fucking Insane
I forgot to confess this to you guys, mostly because it’s the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever done in my entire life. But it’s also so fucking god damn ludicrous that every time I think about it I can’t help but laugh at myself. Please don’t judge me.
So remember the flight from hell I had last week when after flying around Laguardia airport for hours I then got stuck on a tarmac in Norfolk, Virginia for a few more hours? Well, I was fucking desperate for some water and some food and just fucking something. My mouth was so god damn dry I wanted to die. I kept getting up for a cup of water but it wasn’t helping.
At some point, I saw the chick sitting next to me pull a pack of gum out of her bag and I realized that was what I needed. A piece of gum would make everything better. I stared at her as she chewed away on that thing and I could almost taste the mint myself. I was so fucking jealous.
I could have acted like a normal human being and asked her for a piece of gum, but that would have been too easy.
Eventually she got up and I watched her walk all the way to the back of the plane and into the restroom. The minute I saw that bathroom door close I ransacked the poor bitch’s Balenciaga bag and jacked a piece of gum. I immediately shoved it into my mouth and threw the wrapper in my bag.
When she sat back down, I was so fucking paranoid that she was going to know that I stole gum from her, that I tried not to chew it for fear that she would realize. I even fantasized about what I would say if my friend, who was sitting in the opposite window seat of the same aisle, saw that I was chewing gum and asked me for a piece. Would I say I didn’t have anymore? Would my neighbor realize I had gone through her purse? Fuck, I thought, what did I get myself into?
I sat there for the rest of tarmac wait and flight home with the gum in mouth, simultaneously satisfied and freaked the fuck out about what I had just done.
I will never date a man who listens to house music.
I Think My Hair Dresser Gave Me The Jennifer Aniston
I’m killing myself.
It's A Good Thing I Don't Have A Dick
Because the hot straight dude at the salon who’s washing my hair and massaging the fuck out of my head is totally giving me a boner.
At Least Someone Came to Their Senses →
nypost.com
Chris Brown loses his publicist following Good Morning America meltdown
Listen to tonight's episode of Shut Up, Weirdo →
wfmu.org
Topic: How did you get fired? (DJ Bryce fills in for Andy) (via shutupweirdo)
Tonight on Shut Up Weirdo: What's gonna be the tell tale sign of the apocalypse?*
Japan disasters, Andy getting the board right, everyone walking around with mashed potatoes on their heads, raining unicorns? You tell us.
Join DJ Bryce (filling for Andy) and Frangry tonight from 6-7PM at 91.1FM or WFMU.org. Call us on the air at 201-209- 9368 and tell us what’s gonna happen when the world is coming to an end. As always, best call wins.
*Topic subject to change at anytime. Mostly because Bryce and I have yet to decide if we are actually doing this.
(via shutupweirdo)
There's Something Seriously Sketchy About Exes Who Try To Become Friends With Your Friends
Get your own life.
“I just thought about middle-aged women who wear clip-on earrings and got so sad.”
—
I Landed!
In Norfolk fucking Virginia. The pilot says “all NYC airports are closed” and he “has no other information”. Awesome.
Spotted At Miami International Airport
A woman going through security with fucking curlers in her hair.
Spotted On South Beach
Some bitch straight up plucking her bikini line with tweezers.
Spotted On South Beach
A girl with a garter belt tattoo.
Ah!
I found this amazing fur coat with knit sleeves at a vintage store on the beach. I was staring at it in the mirror falling in love and thinking about how I was totally getting it. I put my hands in the pockets. And there’s a tissue.
Rkdususiofkfkfkdisjskdkdjdkdkdkdkckdisiwtaagdjkchadk throw up.
I still want it though.
Pathetic
It’s sad that I can’t even commit enough to something as stupid as a series of “Miami Outting” posts.
Miami Outting #2: The Miami Heat Game
- Oh, I didn’t realize bitches at basketball games dress like they’re hitting the club.
- The community cheerleading squad I was on at the age of 13 was better than the Miami Heat Dancers.
- There’s some blonde bitch sitting next to me, rooting for the Denver Nuggets, and screaming like an 18 year old on spring break in Cancun. Her boyfriend needs to shove his nuggets in her mouth.
What The Fuck Is THAT Supposed To Mean?
- Me: I went to the grocery store and some kid head butted my vagina.
- BT: Jesus.
- BT: Is he OK?
Miami Outting #1: The Supermarket
- They were playing Arcade Fire’s Modern Man
- Some little kid was running around, not looking where he was going, and he straight up head butted my vagina
- I bought enough food (including the greatest chicken tenders on the planet) to last me until I leave on Wednesday and it only cost $26.33
- There was a man sitting on a bench outside, wearing overalls, and clipping his toenails.
